Thursday, June 10, 2010

the a little too late movie review!

the a little too late movie review : I am Legend

When first glancing at the cover of this film, it seems like a touching story of a man and his canine. unbenownst to the viewer that doesn't read the back, it is not. you meet doctor robert neville (will smith), the only survivor of a plague. and perhaps the only survivor of this terrible film. if the luck of heath ledger avails, will smith will be dead before anyone else has to watch this monstrosity.

with shaky camera effects reminescent of the Blair Witch Project and a plot that reminds me of Castaway with vampire-zombies. I am Legend is the least entertaining movie since .... Castaway. except Castaway would have probably been a great deal better with vampire-zombies. it's like the director of I am Legend was turned down for (the boring-von-bloodfest) 30 Days of Night movie.

to summarize, if you are scared to death of cgi that reminds me a great deal of graphics you would have seen on a sega saturn, but less entertaining; watch I am Legend. if you have no taste, watch I am Legend.

I am Legend, making the directors of hits like Cheers and Friends look like Martin Scorsese.

one question still remains... why am I STILL watching this?

p.s. the best part of this film was the preview for the Lost Boys: the Tribe. they got Corey Feldman back! score one for vampire movies.

UPDATE! now having read I Am Legend, i'm even more pissed off. how is it possible to take one of the only good modern vampire stories and casting it off into pure cinematic absurdity? this movie should have had the proper ending. aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnddddddd... the dog thing
was way more touching in the book because the dog didn't care about him.


the little too late movie review : Cloverfield

it appears that the kraken has been unleashed on nyc. and the government of course had something to do with it. shot in documentary style like Diary of the Dead... or the Blair Witch. I can't take this film anymore. Time to switch this headache inducing crapfest off.

p.s. for all the nerds, i think i just saw sinspawn come flying off the kraken


the little too late movie review : The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

i've seen worse movies than tomb of the dragon emperor, but not very many.
you always can tell it's going to be a real suck-fest when they cannot get
the entire cast back. or when one of the best composers is dead and cannot
put his magic to work. it's not right. i must admit i like the first two
mummy movies, and yes, i am ashamed. they weren't the best movies, although
i do think that the direction by stephen sommers wasn't terrible, brendan
fraser and rachel weisz have great chemistry, and let's not forget the in-
credible score by jerry goldsmith. there is a sense of magic there, the tomb
forgot... rather the spirit of the first two films were locked in a broom
cupboard for a thousand years, ritually beaten and raped, and fed only gruel.
put all the ninjas you want in this film, it doesn't make it any better.
the direction makes your eyes bonkers, the score reminds me of conastoga wagons,
and the casting was off. despite the best efforts by brendan fraser to make
his character even remotely plausible, (it's almost like the writers weren't
writing it for him), the character of evelyn was terrible. having undergone
drastic transformations because rachel weisz was unavailable, the writers
changed her personality. instead of an inspiring female lead, she seemed to
have lost her 'spunk' if you will. i cannot describe my utter disgust more,
it's like when the world found out that jedi's had midichlorins, or that
indiana jones survived an atomic blast by hiding in a refridgerator.

hey you crazy kids

if you know someone that is trying to get rid of a scanner
you should give me a call... my old one was well... old... and
it broke. it was a sad day. now i've been working on a
plethora of new robot5, even some kip, and some other
things that i think i should put up. alas, i'm a sad little panda
with no scanner to call my own. if you find one, call me, email
me, email me if you want to call me. i needs to know! thanks!

so... because i don't have my scanner and such i hope you enjoy
some of my movie reviews. a while back i had made a website
it was huge, i still have it saved on my computer, it was so much
work! i figured i shouldn't let it go to waste. so here's a couple of
them! :)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010